The Art of Saying No.

WHY BEING SELFISH IS A GOOD THING

Are you tired of constantly putting others' needs before your own?

Do you struggle with saying no and setting boundaries, even when it comes at the cost of your own well-being?

Many of us struggle with a very small two letter word - the art of saying "no". We have been taught to believe that saying no is being “selfish”, and that being selfish is a "bad thing".

Yet, many people live their life for everybody else and try to please those around them, and they go to the grave unhappy and full of dis-ease.

It's time to reframe the way we think about being selfish. Contrary to popular belief, prioritizing our own wants and needs is an essential aspect of self-care and personal growth.

Saying no is not a sign of selfishness, but rather a sign of self-respect and self-awareness. It says, "who I am and what I want is important too".

In this blog, we'll explore three key reasons why saying no and being selfish (without feeling guilty) is so important, and the positive impact it can have on both ourselves and those around us.

Reason #1: Say no, so you don’t build resentment

Picture this: you're feeling overwhelmed and overstretched, but you say yes to yet another request out of obligation. You're neglecting your own needs and priorities, and before you know it, the weight of bitterness, anger, and disappointment creeps in.

Resentment is a powerful force that can take a toll on our emotional well-being and our relationships with others.

We can feel the bitterness of resentment towards ourselves for not standing up for our own priorities and the cycle of tit-for-tat can play out - ie. we feel like we should say yes because that person did something for us.

And the negative impacts go beyond ourselves to our relationships with others. When we're resentful towards someone, it's difficult to connect with them on a genuine level. Resentment can create a barrier that prevents us from truly understanding and empathizing with the other person. This can ultimately damage our relationships, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Reason #2: Say no, so you're not a "people pleaser"

Being a people pleaser can be a dangerous trap, as it often leads to neglecting our own needs and boundaries, and sacrificing our own happiness for the sake of others.

I hear it so often; "I did everything for them", and "I gave up so much for them", and "I made all these choices for them", or this biggie; "I've been a mum for 30 years - I've never put myself first".

A lot of people put their goals, wellbeing and joy on hold - for much longer than healthy - thinking they are being of service; to another and to their family.

Until a critical moment in time when they realise they have become bitter a**holes. They have shape-shifted themselves so much that they do not recognise who they are anymore, and are leading a life that is deeply unfulfilling. Their self-esteem is low, their relationships are conditional and their nervous system is at burn-out.

The irony here is that "people-pleasing" is an act that comes with the intention to make others happy, when all it's really doing is building co-dependent relationships, which is not healthy for anyone involved.

Reason #3: Say no, so you upgrade your relationships (with yourself and with others)

Saying no to something we don't want to do is powerful. Rather than getting pushed and pulled by the tide, it puts us back in the driver’s seat.

We preserve our energy and focus on what truly matters to us, allowing us to reach meaningful goals and activate even more abundance. This upgrades our self-worth and self-image, and in turn our deeper connection with self and with others.

When we respect ourselves enough to set healthy boundaries in relationships, it diminishes co-dependent dynamics and toxic obligatory behavioural patterns and sends a powerful message to others about how we like to be treated - and they in turn know that they can do the same, creating a foundation of mutual trust and understanding.

Going through life fulfilling our wants and desires, makes us happier because we carry less resentment, resistance, and anger.  We also say it's okay to say yes to our happiness, peace, and purpose; setting a positive example for those around us. That is key to realizing our true potential, because we evolve into an even better position to make a greater contribution and positive impact in our family, community, and the world we live in.

Different ways of saying "no" (without being confrontational)

If some people are high up on the people-pleasing scale, they may have difficulty saying no to others, even when it is not in their best interest, and may feel guilty or anxious when they do say no.

But my friends, the only way out, is through. It may feel uncomfortable at first and our minds will highly likely start to question us; is my reason valid enough? Are they even going to buy into it? Will I hurt their feelings?

Saying no doesn't have to be rude or confrontational. Whilst no, thank-you is a complete sentence, sometimes, it needs a little colouring until we get used to saying it.

Firstly, before agreeing to a request, check in with yourself and take a moment to consider whether it aligns with your own values and priorities.

If it doesn't, here are a few clear and concise ways to approach it if it's a flat-out no-go:

• I appreciate your offer, however I need to prioritize my own commitments right now.

• I wish I could help, however I have too much on my plate right now.

• I will pass on that offer – thank-you so much for thinking of me.

• I would have loved to say yes, if I didn’t have other commitments.

• I appreciate the opportunity, thank-you for thinking of me, however I won't be able to take it on at this time.

Or, here's how to say no by offering an alternate solution within the (healthy) boundaries that you set:

• I can't make it to the event on Friday, however I can help you with planning it next week.

• Thanks for inviting me, I'm not available for lunch today though. How about we schedule it for next week?"

• I won't be able to take on that project right now. I can refer you to someone who might be able to help.

• I can't commit to volunteering every week, however I can help out on a monthly basis.

• I appreciate the opportunity. I have too much on my plate right now. Can we discuss it again in a few weeks?

Whenever we make a decision, we have 48 hours to take action towards it, otherwise our current conditioning will talk us out of it, and we’ll remain stuck and frustrated - in the same cycles, living out a predictable future.

"How do I overcome procrastination?", you ask? I've got your back.

Firstly, break down your goals into small, manageable steps to create a clear roadmap.

Secondly, set deadlines and hold yourself accountable to create a sense of urgency.

Lastly, adopt a growth mindset and embrace failure as part of the learning process.

Accountability is powerful when taking action and coaching is great for that. Taking action has to be aggressive, but we must not be aggressive on ourselves. As a coach, I can nurture you through this process and will help you think differently so taking action becomes easier.

Book in your complimentary discovery call with me and let's talk about how we can team up to bring that idea or dream to life.